Why am I doing this? And by “this” I mean discovering, wrestling with, making friends with, and/or banishing my inner demons – followed by, of course, documenting the process?
The biggest reason is that I have a son, and I’ll be damned if my son is going to inherit my demons because I wasn’t man enough to face them. Yeah, he’ll have his own demons (we all have them), but at least he won’t inherit mine.
The other reason is that I want to help other “nice guys” like myself into recovery – and I’m crazy enough to think that by documenting what I’m going through might help other men out.
As a bonus – if my craziness is correct and I help other men out, then I’ve made the world a better place – wouldn’t that be awesome?!
Why wouldn’t I want to submit to a grand ambition like that?
The Gods know we’ve got a lot of craziness in the world right now, and my instinct says we need more people to stop feeling small and unleash their inner Titans.
The simple fact is that “nice guys” finish last – and it sucks.
Why would you want to settle for:
- Employment where you’re not challenged and don’t excel?
- Romantic “partners” who settle for you?
- Children who don’t respect you?
- Not being a competent and powerful man?
- Being physically weak?
- Allowing people to take advantage of you?
- Let those around you dictate what you life should be?
That sounds like – and it is – a shitty position to be in .
You get one shot at life – why not make your life something you can look back on as you slip from this mortal coil and feel a sense of happiness and pride?
I’ve been talking with Bill and I was introduced to my Ego – he wants to be called Bruce (I think it’s because I was looking at a couple of Bruce Lee books on my shelf and he’s got a sense of humor just like Bill).
Bruce has been pushing back hard this last week – I’ve been working on a lot of changes and Bruce is feeling out of sorts (as expected). Bruce isn’t being selfish or mean, just like Bill he wants what’s best for me. But Bruce is used to having to hide who I really am, he’s used to being a chameleon to please others.
While Bruce and I were initially talking through things I got the sense that there’s another part of me that’s very shy – and yet it’s also very powerful. I suspect it’s my raw creative talent.
I’ve been looking at my life and I’ve realized I have a lot of talent – but Bruce has been afraid to let it really shine through (for fear of rejection and abandonment). Yes, my creative side comes out, but it’s only been allowed a trickle most of the time.
I was reminded of Steven Pressfield’s book The War of Art (unpaid) and looking through my Audible library I found his follow up Turning Pro (unpaid). These books are emotional gut punches that I come back to regularly (about once a year) – I generally forget about them after listening to them, but the emotional weight is still there.
I think it’s been listening to Turning Pro again that’s really tipped off my being able to feel my creative talent and how it’s been hiding. But it’s also got me thinking about how I’ve hid that part of myself – I’ve never let myself get really good at something – to do the work and “turn pro.”
My guess there is that Bruce is stepping in trying to be helpful – again he’s trying to help me by keeping me safe – from pain and disappointment.
Now that I’m talking to Bill and Bruce, I feel like my creative side really wants to be unchained to do its work. I’ve got to put in the time to develop real depth of skill at things now.
I’ve always been unfocused – probably my creative side being very creative at working its way to the surface.
My creative side wants to work – wants to build – to create.
Time to get out of its way.