Finding Brandon

I woke up this morning with a strange feeling. I started thinking on my 30 day challenges and why I decided to reboot, more so why I kept sabotaging myself. Especially after I’ve had so many successes already. Then in a flash of half-dreaming inspiration I had a picture of my self-image as a gangly, uncoordinated, but loveable fuck-up emerge from my shadow.

Yeah this is starting to be a common way for parts of myself to introduce themselves.

I understood suddenly that image of myself that came from my shadow is Brandon and Brandon is why I keep sabotaging my own efforts. Brandon wants to feel love and accomplishment, but he’s afraid people won’t accept him for who he really is. So Brandon let’s me push things so far, lets me make progress, but then at a certain point decides it’s too much pressure and starts to sabotage me (himself).

So where did Brandon come from? I think he came from my inner-child, as he (I) stumbled into adulthood. Brandon inherited my inner-child’s ways of looking at the world, but he was also determined to prove my inner-child’s views of the world correct.

So where are Brandon and I going now? I’ve been giving him love an acceptance all day, just like my inner-child. I’ve been visualizing Brandon as I actually look in the mirror. I’ve also been going over everything I’m proud of in my life and telling Brandon that it’s all because of him – which it is.

Yeah this is probably difficult to read, but it’s important for me to write. This helping me heal and integrate another part of my personality.

Writing journals every day and having to dig deep to finish a full page I think has been a great exercise in allowing me to really understand what’s in my head. Thus, this latest part of myself has stepped forward. I’ve really been missing my mediation – I think that’s definitely going to be part of the reboot for this challenge. Probably going to skip the Yoga and just go back to the mobility work I’ve been doing.


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