It’s been interesting noticing how much of my internal thought patterns are from my inner two year-old worrying about things. When I notice anxiety now, I talk to myself and I figure out if it’s coming from my shadow pattern or if there’s something else going on.
So far it’s always been my shadow – but then I just give myself some acceptance and love and my shadow calms right down.
It’s funny not only seeing, but also feeling that I don’t need to justify my existence to anyone – I’m here and I didn’t ask to be born – but I’m here. Reason for existence established and justified.
I’ve also noticed a subtle shift in now only how I interact with my son, but also with my wife. In my son’s case I resented his neediness – and I would be angry at him for it, just tolerating it. But the last couple of days, I look at him completely differently – when he needs something, I’m happy to take care of him. I can sit and play with him and simply be in the moment.
With my wife, I don’t worry about whether or not my “neediness” is too much for her now – I realize that I don’t need anything from her, not even sex.
Emotionally sex was an act of complete acceptance by my partner – hence I would need it. Now I see that I can just enjoy being with my wife and that’s as far as it needs to go.
Ironically that will most likely give her more desire for me.
It’s interesting to me, how uncomfortable I found the apology to my mother and I suspect even six months ago I wouldn’t have done it. But, it wasn’t even a question. I just knew I needed to do it, and did it in spite of how uncomfortable it was.
Stoic practices for the win.